Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com.
Q: I'm 16, I'm pregnant, and I don't want to be. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to get an abortion without my parents' permission, but I'm really scared to tell them because they are both against abortion. What should I do?
A: One Saturday night, when I was 15 years old, my boyfriend came back from the bathroom post-sex and informed me that the condom had ripped. Plan B was only available with a prescription back then, so I spent the whole next day calling clinics, most of which were closed on Sundays. I obsessed over a potential unplanned pregnancy to my best friend over the phone. I knew for sure I didn’t want a baby, and I was raised with very little shame around sex. So when my morning-after mission failed, you’d think my next step would have been to talk to my mom — after all, she’d fought for reproductive rights since the 1960s. And still I was terrified to turn to her for help.
To my relief, my mother eventually helped me get Plan B without judging or admonishing me. But if teenage me had a hard time broaching the subject of a hypothetical pregnancy with my pro-choice parents, I can only imagine how overwhelming it might feel to announce an actual pregnancy, much less a desire to get an abortion — in any circumstance, really, but especially to parents who are against it, and especially during a time in American history when the bodily autonomy of people with uteruses is under serious threat.
First of all, I’m here to tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Accidents can happen even to the most careful among us. And it’s only logical that if teens are mature enough to become parents, they are mature enough to decide whether or not they want to give birth. Having access to abortion should be your right, regardless of your parents’ beliefs.
Unfortunately, not every state legislature agrees with me. Roe v. Wade deemed access to safe and legal abortion a constitutional right in 1973, but just six years later, the Supreme Court ruled in Bellotti v. Baird that states could insist that a minor obtain parental consent. Now, 21 states require that at least one parent provide consent for an abortion if the patient is younger than 18 years old, 11 states require notification of at least one parent, and 5 states require both consent and notification.
So let’s talk logistics: Your first step is knowing your state’s rules when it comes to parental consent (though there are ways to sidestep those rules depending on what state you're in — more on that later). If you live in one of the handful of states in which a minor can get an abortion without parental involvement — and if you don’t want to tell your parents — you’re all set. But if the law does require that your parents are involved, it’s time for some soul-searching about how you think they’ll react when confronted directly with their pregnant child’s desire to not be.
One thing I’ve learned while researching and reporting on these issues is that supposedly anti-abortion Americans often get abortions. They often help their children procure abortions. You know those activists who stand outside clinics holding signs adorned with Bible verses and pictures of fetuses? Even they sometimes get abortions. Dr. Yashica Robinson, a board member with Physicians for Reproductive Health and the medical director at Alabama Women's Center for Reproductive Alternatives — in a state that just passed a near-total abortion ban, even in the case of rape or incest — says she has performed the procedure on some of the very people who protest abortions. “People don’t really know what they think about abortion until they’re in the position themselves,” she explained to me at a recent roundtable of abortion providers. She’s born witness to staunchly anti-abortion patients who tell her through tears, “I will never judge another woman again.”
So no matter what your parents’ abstract views, they might behave far more tenderly when their own child needs access to abortion care. Dr. Robinson often encourages her teenage patients, even the ones who live in households where abortion is “highly stigmatized,” to take this gamble. She offers to talk to both patient and parent together in her office (something you might consider requesting at your local clinic). Your parents “may be upset for a little while,” Dr. Robinson said, but “they love you," and she thinks your mother might "be more upset that you went through this alone because you were too afraid to tell her.”
All that said, you know your parents best: Do you fear for your safety if you reveal your pregnancy? Are you worried they might meet you with violence or kick you out of the house? If yes, there is a legal option in 36 states that would let you get an abortion without parental approval called a judicial bypass procedure — an infantilizing holdup to which nobody should have to resort. The process for a judicial bypass is different in every state, but in each case that it's an option, it involves a minor testifying before a judge and receiving court approval to access abortion care without telling their parents. If you live in a state with consent or notification laws, it’s likely that a clinic can help guide you through this process. There are also organizations in particularly obstructionist states that offer more resources, like Jane’s Due Process in Texas.
Judicial bypasses take time — and abortions get more expensive, more complicated, and harder to access the later they happen — so the sooner you can start this process, the better. And regardless of whether your state requires a bypass, you can contact your local abortion fund if you need help paying for it on your own.
But even if you do decide never to tell your parents, I highly recommend talking to another adult about what you’re going through. Nearly one in four women will have an abortion by the age of 45, according to a 2017 analysis by researchers from the Guttmacher Institute. Some of these women might be other teens, and others may be your teachers, guidance counselors, and family friends. Seeking out an empathetic authority figure will make you feel less alone and help you process your emotions. Because everybody loves someone who’s had an abortion. Including you.
