When you think about role-play in the bedroom, your first response might be to laugh. Pretending you've been a bad little boy so your "teacher" has to spank you? Absurd! But that's partly why role-play can so enjoyable. In a world where people constantly say “be yourself,” sex role-play is about not being yourself—and it can be kinda freeing.
“Sexual fantasies can be about transcending ourselves and feeling creative and liberated in a completely different world, free from any of the constraints of everyday life,” says Shadeen Francis, LMFT.
Role-play can also be a way to explore elements of Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM). “Certain role-play with characters (and costumes, for some) means that you try on the persona that matches them,” Francis says. “If that person is more dominant or submissive, it allows you space to explore what being dominant/submissive is for you within the context of that character.”
Sexual role-play can run the gamut from a few lines of casual dirty talk to playing out some pretty intense scenes—but whichever road you take, know that if you laugh or break character, it's no big deal. Just hop back in when you're ready.
Want to learn more about bringing role-play into the bedroom? We got expert tips from Francis and Donna Oriowo, LICSW, M.ED, Ph.D. to help you have the best possible role-play experience imaginable.
How do I talk about role-play with a partner?
A great way to let your partner know about a role-play dynamic you'd like to try is to "introduce the role-play scenario as a fantasy," Francis says. Let's say you want to be the patient to a naughty nurse; the next time you and your partner are sharing sexual fantasies, tell them you've always gotten aroused by the idea of having a nurse go down on you during a routine exam (or whatever turns you on).
From there, you can smoothly transition into bringing that scenario to life. “It can help to make an open-ended ask,” Francis says. “Examples of statements include: ‘What do you think?’ ‘How could we make that happen? ‘What would make that scene hot for you?’ ‘What else should we add?’”
How do we actually...do the role-play?
Set boundaries.
After you’ve decided what the larger scenario will be (i.e., stripper/customer, shoplifter/store manager, stepmom/stepson), you need to talk boundaries with your partner, Oriowo says. “This ensures that you have the sexual experience you and your partner(s) want,” she says.
Let's say you're playing out a classic teacher/student scenario. Some examples of what to ask your partner: What can you call them? (They may be into "dirty slut" and "good little whore," but very opposed to the word "bitch.") Are they comfortable with spanking? How hard? Using which objects? How about choking? Or hair pulling? Or is this a less aggressive scene and a more tender sexual experience, where the teacher is “taking care” of his student? There’s no right answer to these questions; it’s whatever you both agree upon.
Establish safe words!
“If you feel like you might go heavy into the deep end of role-playing, pick a safe word to let the other person know how you are, and what you need more or less of without breaking character,” Oriowo says.
A popular safe word practice involves the stoplight system. When your partner says “green,” that means they want you to keep doing what you’re doing. If they say “yellow,” that means they’re approaching their limit, and you need to pull back on whatever it is that you’re doing. If they say “red,” it’s a full stop. Break character and check in with your partner to see what they need.
Go slow.
If the idea of buying doctor's scrubs and some medical fetish tools sounds intimidating, just remember that's something you can work your way up to (or never do at all). If you're just starting out, “You can always change one small thing [from how you usually have sex],” Oriowo says. “Change your name, use an accent, pretend to meet your sexual partner for the first time.”
Scenes that play with power dynamics—such as a boss and their employee—are also good for beginners, Oriowo adds. “It’s a good intro to role-play because you may already have a lot of material to pull from," she says. For example: “You’ve been showing up to work late every day for a month now. If you want to keep your job, you’re going to have to do something for me.”
"You may have already thought about what it would be like to be the boss, or to be the worker attracted to the boss,” she adds.
More advanced role-players can take their characters out of the bedroom.
“The easiest way to take any fantasy, no matter how common, to the next level is to take it on the road!” Oriowo says. “Arrange to meet up with your partner in a public space as strangers, sex workers, et cetera."
Sex clubs have a lot of themed nights, too, which encourage dressing up and role-play. And, of course, adding a third (or fourth or fifth) to your role-play scenario can really enhance the scene.
Need role-play ideas? Try these.
- Teacher/Student
- Doctor/Patient
- Shoplifter/Security Guard
- Prison Guard/Prisoner
- Military Captain/Cadette
- Stepmom/Stepstop (or any faux-incest dynamic)
- "Stuck" Sex (where one the person being penetrated pretends to get stuck in a small area)
- Sleeper/Home Invader
- Boss/Employee
- Maid/Employer
- Babysitter/Son
- Strangers (often fun to do at a hotel bar)
Make sure to engage in aftercare.
When the scene is done, the sex may be over, but the experience is not. You need to engage in aftercare, which is essentially an emotional and physical check-in following a sexual experience. “So this is the time for you to check-in with yourself and your partner,” Oriowo says. “Talk about what you liked and didn’t. Give space for hugs, cuddles, or anything else needed, so all parties involved feel cared for after the fact. This can often determine if someone remembers a sexual experience favorably or not, so make sure to get into that aftercare.”
